I’ve done it. I’ve finally done it. I have relinquished power and signed back up to my old gym. I’ve stopped fighting with myself trying to convince my inner me that I can keep motivated and focused “on the outside”. That is a lie. Truth be told I was most consistent when I used to go to the gym, as much as I tried from home. The fact is I found I just lost the drive and goals after cancelling my membership.
I would make the effort some days and felt satisfied, however I kept finding excuses for myself time after time. This in turn would start down to old spiral of depression. The feeling of letting yourself down, failing yourself. The easiest thing to do is to go get a feed of comfort food to make you feel better, my life long nemesis.
A progressive shot over the years of my efforts.
In my previous posts I have mentioned how food has been my crutch since I was a young boy, old habits certainly die hard. So almost 2 years since I cancelled my membership I have undone all my hard work. Before this I fit into clothes I never thought I’d be able to for the first time in my life and replaced my whole wardrobe. I was the strongest I’ve ever been, the best shape I’d ever been. All that is gone. Those clothes are hanging in my cupboard barely worn. I’ve had to buy more clothes to wear that actually fit. That’s not a cool feeling. To add to injury now these clothes are tight to wear. I’ve gone from starting at 155kgs, down to 132kgs, back up to 149kgs again. Yep.
Me at my best I’ve ever looked taken after a gym session.
I recently saw a photo of myself whilst looking through my iPhoto files and had to double take. I actually was looking pretty good back then, comparative to how I’ve looked since forever. I then looked at a photo I was in from a recent Mortal Kombat II tournament I attended and I was saddened. I look swollen, bulbous, lumpy. Needless to say I wasn’t a fan. I felt so disappointed in myself that it was pretty much the deciding factor.
The defenders of Earth realm at the recent Mortal Kombat II tournament. I’m the big one. lol
I had my first day at the gym last night. I admittedly was nervous, possibly even a little scared, intimidated or daunted might be the better word for it. I finished work at 3.30pm and had all intentions of going straight after I clocked off but I felt a sense of anxiety about it. Since my girlfriend signed up as well and we were both going this afternoon I thought I’d wait till she finishes work and we will go together for the first day back. Turns out she had the same feelings so we thought we would help each other over this first hurdle.
Once we arrived at the gym and made it to our machines most of those sensations dissipated and were got in the zone. It was great! We took it easy for our first day back but now the first step is done I just need to keep it going. I know I can get back to the way I was relatively quick as I’ve done it before. Hoping muscle memory will kick in the first week or 2… hoping anyway.
I must say I had a deep sleep last night, the first I’ve had in many months so hopefully getting back into my workouts will improve my sleep quality going forward. I’m actually looking forward to hitting the gym again this afternoon straight after work this time. I can’t wait to start feeling better about myself again. Let’s do it!